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- PART II (More Jokes) -


Top Ten Signs You Are An Internet Geek

10. When filling out your driver`s license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what`s your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email.
7. You`re amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they`re awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they`re listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!" ...And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza`s Here!"


A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back passage. The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfortbut endures the pain. Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some KY-Jelly. Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second suppository. Sure enough, he can't reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do. The wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror. "What's the matter?" asks his wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders."


Subject: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING(S.H.I.T.)

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS(D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING(E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING(D.I.P.S.H.I.T.). If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING(H.O.T.S.H.I.T). Thank you BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)


A man who loved his girlfriend very much had her name tatooed on his penis. When it was erect ,it read WENDY. When it was small, it read WY. While in a public C.R, he found himself stood next to a 6 ft 8 inch Negro guy,and he noticed that he also had the letters WY in the same place. He asked the Negro "do you also have a girlfriend called Wendy"? "No man" the negro replied "So what then does WY stand for"? The big black guy looked at him and answered: "WELCOME TO JAMAICA MAN, HAVE A NICE DAY"


( *** Note: If you're like me, who swears that chain letters are the work of Satan, then you'll love this next piece... it's a bit lenghty but believe me, it's well worth reading!!! *** )

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" e-mail to $1,000? How stupid are you? Oooh, look here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain-mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep (woooohoooooooo) for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1

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* * * * * * * * * Make a wish!!!
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* * * * * * * * * * No, really, go on and make one!!!?
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* * * * * * * * * Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
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* * * * * * * * * Wish something else!!!
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* * * * * * * * * * * Not that, you pervert!!
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* * * * * * * * * * * Is your finger getting tired yet?
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* * * * * * * * * * STOP THE INSANITY!!!!!!!!

Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :)

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do.

First of all, if you don't send this to 5,096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!!

Here's how it goes:

Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter.

You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.

So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you, like:

Bizarre Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinkly was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 16-year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend - hey, some people swing that way. They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!!

Remember, you could end up just like Pinkly and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay. Because somehow YOU made a difference by passing the information on and on and on and On and on!!!!

Get the picture??

Chain Letter Type 4

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Friends

A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit,
and your breath smells like you've been eating cat food,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as
ugly as a hat full of assholes,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you
cry about your sad, sad life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they
really think you should be raped by mad monkeys, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then
gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...
no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,
A friend is NOT someone who sends you chain letters because he wants
his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.

The point (and I do have one)? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll find all your fingers missing tomorrow morning. Give someone a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach them to use the Net and they won't bother you for weeks.


Steven's Page. Copyright Steven Eric M., 2001 [Contact Me]