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Humor

The Lighter Side...

Here are a few jokes i've collected from e-mails, text messages, and other sources I can't remember. Have fun!




Q. How do you embarrass an archaelogoist?
A. Give him a used sanitary napkin and ask him which period it came from.



Nice expressions to describe dumb people:

- Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
- In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
- A few fries short of a Happy Meal
- All foam, no beer
- He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
- Forgot to pay his brain bill.




Top Ten Signs You Are An Internet Geek

10. When filling out your driver`s license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what`s your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email.
7. You`re amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they`re awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they`re listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
...And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza`s Here!".


Question: What's better than sanitary napkins?
Answer : VISINE. Because it takes the RED out in sixty seconds.



A man who loved his girlfriend very much had her name tatooed on his penis. When it was erect ,it read WENDY. When it was small, it read WY. While in a public C.R, he found himself stood next to a 6 ft 8 inch Negro guy,and he noticed that he also had the letters WY in the same place. He asked the Negro "do you also have a girlfriend called Wendy"?
"No man" the negro replied
"So what then does WY stand for"?
The big black guy looked at him and answered:

"WELCOME TO JAMAICA MAN, HAVE A NICE DAY"



A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back passage. The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfortbut endures the pain. Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some KY-Jelly. Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second suppository. Sure enough, he can't reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do. The wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror. "What's the matter?" asks his wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders."



Be careful what you text to your friends. Erap checks all text messages. He's monitoring Globe and Smart Co. for those people who make fun of him.

Text in English to avoid detection.



TV Host: Who's the woman you admire the most?
Erap: My mom of course. She took care of me in my INFANCY, also during my ADOLESCENCE, and she's still helping me in my ADULTERY.



Tarzan: Ako baba bayan. Ako bili brief!
Jane: Bili mo ako panty!
Tarzan: Ikaw Chita? Ano gusto mo?
Chita: Bili mo ako condom para Jane safe


Son: mom, when I was on the bus with dad this morning,
he told me to give up my seat to a lady
Mom: well, u have done the right thing
Son: but mom, i was sitting on dad's lap!


Cabinet member: Mr President, our population growth rate is alarming! There is one woman giving birth every minute!
Erap: We have to stop this, look for that woman!


Subject: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING(S.H.I.T.)

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS(D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING(E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING(D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING(H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)


The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again, he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, "the teeth".


3 roosters, a normal, a retarded and a gay.
Normal: cock-a-doodle-dooo!
Retarded: doddle-cock-a-doo!
Gay: any cock will dooo!


LOVE - it's not measured by hugging, kissing, or sex...
LOVE is respect and trust... it's accepting the person
with open legs and closed eyes.


Mr: Bago ako mamatay, may ipagtatapat ako
Mrs: Wag ka nang magsalita, makakasama sayo
Mr: Kailangan malaman mo
Mrs: Kung ano man yun, di na importante
Mr: Nag taksil ako
Mrs: Alam ko, kaya kita nilason


Kung ang tawag sa breakfast ng Chowking ay "Almuchow,"
Ano ang tawag sa lunch nila?
Ano pa, eh di "Lanchow"


Of all the rooms in the White House, why did they have to put president Clinton in the Oval office? ... It's the only place where he couldn't corner a woman.



Three Chinese immigrants, Chu, Bu, and Fu, were applying to become American citizens. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck, and Fu was sent back to the mainland.